1. Mother (experienced x 3)
2. Baker (ameture)
3. Fainter (professional)
Even if you’ve only ever read my last two posts on this blog you know the first two adjectives are accurate but I’m not sure I have ever really shared in any detail the fact that I am a fainter. When I say that I’m a fainter I don’t mean that I’ve fainted a handful of times but rather too many times to count. It’s something that first happened in my elementary school lunch line after I jammed my finger sliding down the stairway banister and occurs at least once or twice a year. The docs say it’s just some vasovagal response in which a stressor of some kind causes blood to stop flowing to the brain leaving me unconscious on the ground for 30 seconds or so as the blood returns to my brain and the lights turn back on. Fun, right?
The good thing about this is that I now know when it’s going to happen. I start to feel all fuzzy and know to sit down and inform the people around me that I am about to faint so they don’t freak out. When I come to, I always seem to cry but not because I’m upset. It’s a natural reaction for me and mostly I’m just amused or annoyed that it happened once more and if I’m around strangers I have to then plead my case that I do not in fact need a darn ambulance or any medical attention. In fact, I’d much rather bypass all the attention and go back about my business because there are no short-term or long-term after effects.
So, why am I now bring up this little personal quirk? Well, because last night it happened again. I was standing in my kitchen when my mom’s dog and my youngest dog got into a scuffle. I should know by now never to intervene in a dog fight but I’m a slow learner. As they were mauling each other’s faces I decided to try and kick my dog in the side to distract him long enough to release my mom’s dog’s throat.
Of course this went over better in my head than in reality because instead of slamming the top of my foot into his rib cage I hit his butt bone. Hard! It hurt really badly. Then I started to feel woozy, sat down with my head in between my legs. Knowing the lights were about to go off I started to lay down and tell my mom and husband I would see them later.
After 30 seconds of some vivid dream that I can’t remember I came to, lying on my kitchen floor, foot pounding and a bit confused. Then I remembered why I was lying on my gross floor and was just happy that I wasn’t crying. This is progress people! No tears! At least I’m impressed with myself. My mom said I don’t faint like normal people. I faint like someone who’s seizing. That’s cool.
Anyways, my foot hurts a bit today and it’s a little swollen on top but I can walk. Oh, and the dogs are fine. I’m sure you were wondering about that.
As I mentioned, I’m a frequent fainter and have been passing out since the 4th grade so naturally I’ve lost consciousness in some key locations. Let me share…
Top Five Fainting Locations:
5. Airplane on the way to California. I puked afterwards. Still not sure why I went down in the aisle as I was walking to the bathroom but the airline sent me a sweet pen and apologized for my unpleasant experience.
4. College campus outside the girl’s bathroom. I had to call off the medical people and hurry back to class to turn in a paper. Priorities people!
3. On the toilet at home. My Grammy found me after making some weird-ass moaning noises. My mom confirmed yesterday that I still do that when I faint.
2. In the dentist chair while I was pregnant with my son. At least I was already lying down. Mid-filling I fainted and when I came to they asked me if I wanted to reschedule. “No dammit! Just finish,” was the jist of my response.
1. In the ICU last year when my grandma was waking up from anesthesia after a major operation. Just for the record, fainting in a hospital is a bad idea. They force you to go to the ER where all you do is consume the most expensive turkey sandwich you’re likely to ever have and their tests tell you what you already know.
There have been lots of other places but I think these are the best ones.
Cheers from the Fainter-Extraordinaire!
Are you a fainter? If so, feel free to share with me your best fainting story. I could use the camaraderie here people 🙂