OB Booby-traps

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There are some moments during certain days that are just epic failures. You know the ones. The ones where you play out a scenario in your head and then when you go to act out that scenario your body just doesn’t get the message and does whatever the hell it wants.

I had a moment like this yesterday at the doctor’s office. Let me share it with you. It might make you chuckle. Or cringe. Probably both.

So, I was at the OB office for my weekly checkup and had to go leave a urine sample as usual. It’s a standard procedure that I’ve done plenty of times before. Here’s how it goes, in case you’re unaware:

1. Piss in the cup.

2. Open the little door in the wall.

3. Place the cup on the tray.

4. Close the door.

5. Wash hands.

Pretty straight-forward, right? I have successfully carried out this scenario in the past and am aware that things could go awry if you’re not careful. For one, the cups at my OB’s office don’t have lids. Sure there are some with lids but there are also others without lids that I use because that’s what everyone else seems to use. Also, opening the little door is a bit tricky as you have to push the little handle/knob down as you pull the door open. Lastly, the stainless steel tray you set the cup on has a small lip around it so it’s wise to carefully set the cup in place. These are the booby-traps to navigate while leaving a urine sample. Do you still think this scenario is straight-forward?

I was very conscious of these booby-traps as I went to leave my urine sample and mentally noted each trap. I was determined to do a good job. I was planning on being in and out in moments. Here’s how the scenario of leaving a urine sample played out for me:

1. Piss in the cup.

2. Wipe the cup of spillage.

3. Open door

4. Slosh urine over the cup and onto the floor.

5. Let door close, wipe urine off the floor and the cup, again.

6. Open door for the second time.

7. Attempt to place cup on tray.

8. Hit the lip of the tray with the cup and dump urine EVERYWHERE.

9. Release a flurry of expletives and let the door slam shut for a second time.

10. Clean up urine from the tray, floor, my hands etc…

11. Successfully place the cup, with what is left of my urine sample, on the tray.

12. Exit bathroom feeling like a champion.

As you see, it took me a few (7) extra steps to successfully complete my urine sample. My body was obviously not cooperating with what my brain was instructing it to do. It must have been a bit fatigued from the swim I had just completed next door before my appointment. Silly body.

And speaking of silly bodies, I had both kids with me at the appointment. There are many moments throughout each day that their brains and bodies don’t sync up. Those moments usually require a kiss from Mommy to make the boo-boo better.

Odin had one such moment play out just minutes after my urine incident.  We were walking to the back room from the waiting room and Odin, distracted by his sister’s shenanigans, continued walking/running straight ahead when he should have jogged to the left. SMACK! He hit the wall full on. The nurse that was escorting us and myself had to turn around while we cracked up. Funniest thing I have seen in a while. Odin was okay. A bit stunned and shaken up but he didn’t burst into tear as I expected. The whole office heard the smack. Odin preferred the sucker the nurse gave him as comfort over my hug. It’s a good thing too because I couldn’t stop laughing as the events of my urine mishap and Odin’s run-in with the wall replayed themselves over and over again in my head.

Life is funny, ain’t it?

Cheers!

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